Job Applications (WTF LOL)


So this was submitted by a reader.I hope you enjoy them as much as I do LOL. Thanks Rachel!

These are some examples of people trying to sound more impressive than really they are lol.

 

Stay at Home Mom


November 2008 to February 2009  (She was only a mom for a year?)

· Decision-making and problem solving daily. (I broke up fights for kids and punished them)

· Scheduling appointments and events for each member of our household (My kids are clueless and my husband useless, possibly spineless)

· Provide administrative support for teachers and coaches in the community. ( I attended PTA meetings to gripe about Harry potter books and how they should ban High Fructose corn syrup)

· Provide reliable transportation (I drive an SUV that could house a small 3rd world country)

 

NEXT!

 

I my name is R.

I am looking to re-enter the job market.(Why was she gone from the job market?)

I am currently volunteering at (undisclosed).

 

Experience

Assistant manager,
Easy Spirit, (undisclosed)
.        Greeted clients entering the Store. (Because you never hear of people being greeted in retail!)
·        Answered client’s questions about the store products. (Yes they go on your feet. You can also put them on hands and pretend to be a seal! ORKORK!)
·        Computed and recorded totals of transactions. (They used a cash register, not an abacus and quantum string theory)
·        Cleaned store and check if all stickers are on displayed shoes ( I know if there are NO STICKERS on my shoes I am confused as to WTF they are!)
·        Counted money in cash drawers at the beginning/ end of shifts to ensure that amounts were correct and that there was adequate change. (Umm isn’t that a    requirement from any store with a register?)
·        Processed merchandise returns and exchanges. (What do you mean you cannot understand how these fell apart? Those look like teeth marks! Well hell I could have told you those size 8 shoes are not going to fit on those size 11 clown feet! Nice move tiny dancer! DOH!)
·        Issued receipts, refunds, merchandise credits, and change due to customers. (Umm ok receipts and change? Really,this needed to be listed? Refunds and credits? Did we not list that previously?)
·        Received payment by cash, check, credit cards, vouchers, and automatic debits. ( You have coupon? OK..They received payment… I could say something dirty here.. but I am going for the high road. Regardless.. it’s a store.. not like there was bartering going on here!)
·        Sorted, counted, and wrapped currency and coins. (Again was this not listed above with the in and out counting?)(heh in and out *giggity*)
·        Maintained and tissue all shoes that are web order from the internet. (Maintaining Tissue levels?? Is this a specialized skill? Do I need to go to college for more edumaction?)
·        Made labels for shoes.  (Left shoe, right shoe)
·        Balanced the cash and or checks to the bank at the end of every shift.(Ok.. now she is just showing off!  You can count.. we get it!)
·        Locked up the store as I leave for the end of my shift. (WHEW!!! Good to know she is responsible enough to not just walk away like a 3 year old with the door open!)

 

Qualities:

Punctual (Because I know I would promote someone to AM for being late)

Maintain a high level of integrity (Again.. would she be in the position she is in if not?)

Knowledgeable with social media (I can use a computer and facebook)

Internet research skills ( I can google)

 

Hi,

I’m interested in the job opening you have available. Attached is my resume. Also, if it is a salary position I require the minimum of $19,500, but it is very negotiable.

 

Computer Skills:

Proficient with,

Ÿ Microsoft Outlook (WOO Can send emails! HIRED!)

Ÿ Microsoft Word (Kind if indicative with resume there babe!)

Ÿ Microsoft Access(OK. I have to admit I am impressed they can use this)

Ÿ Microsoft  Excel (The other part of Access, again impressed)

Ÿ Microsoft PowerPoint ( Power point for shoes?)

Ÿ Keyboarding skills ( Typing is essential for facebook and google. Also was this needed?)

Ÿ Windows desktop ( You can click short cuts?)

Ÿ 8,000 keystrokes per hour (8,000 keystrokes per hour.  Is this with facebook or google LOL)

Ÿ 10 Key Calculator (Well.. they were so close, we really needed someone who could use a scientific calculator to maintain our tissue levels.)

Ÿ Filling and Alphabetizing (I think she meant FILING, but FILLING sounds more interesting and dirty! Obviously she is not a SPELLCHECKER)

Ÿ Word Processing (Umm word, dur)

Ÿ Computer Information skills ( I can put the paper and ink in the printer and print off stuff from Google)


I look forward to hear from you. (Again… spellcheck?)

Thanks

 

NEXT!

Dear, to whom it may concern

I am very excited to read position that is available. (Read position?) I have worked in the office field (office field?) for 3 plus years in a variety of areas including clerical support and secretary (Not only a secretary but a supportive one too! Does this mean giving…erm ok shutting up now!). I have extremely well organizational skills (as opposed to being extremely well-organized?), and efficient computer skills(Google, facebook AND twitter!). Getting things organized and done in a timely fashion is the utmost importance to an office in today’s society(someones a kiss ass). It is extremely carousal (Carousal? SO,she likes to drink on the job?) to employ the right professional for the duties at hand.

My long-term experience in routine clerical and general office work has taught me how to work with confidential information in a timely manner( can be vague and wordy, to confuse and disorient), to multitask, and to work well with others(Because you really want to put I am a backstabbing bitch on your resume). I have assisted several employers in the office setting, and can adapt to any environmental setting quickly and professionally ( I can make coffee and be screamed at without flinching!).

Thank you for consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

 

NEXT!

can i come take a look at this on sunday? (Huh? Umm yeah come on by and you can look at the job we are hiring for!?)

 

OK that is all for NOW! LOL

 


 

 

 

 

Stay at Home Mom                                                                                                            Woodbridge, VA

November 2008 to February 2009

· Decision-making and problem solving daily.

· Scheduling appointments and events for each member of our household

· Provide administrative support for teachers and coaches in the community.

· Provide reliable transportation

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Posted on February 7, 2011, in humor, life and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. So typical of Americans. It still amazes me that schools allow children to graduate when they can’t spell or string together a sentence properly. My kids spend time on the computer like most but they also read about 15 books a year. They’re 9 years old. Most adults in our society don’t read beyond Cosmo or Facebook. It’s depressing what our society is today. Knowledge is no longer valuable. The above resumes were fairly amusing. I just have to rant a little. I don’t like unintelligent people but I really hate ignorant people who try to be appear smart.

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