Life lessons

Life lessons learned the hard way lol.

When you are out in public while babysitting and someone asks “Are these your kids?” it is best not to respond “Until their parents pay me at least!”

Never tell a young boy if he sees a girl with a nice round butt that he should sing Sean Paul’s “Shake that thing!” because that kid has a 6th grade math teach that does not have a sense of humor!

When you discover that a cat shakes his head in a way that looks like it is “unwinding” after you rub your hand across it in away that looks like you are “winding” the cat’s head… not show this to the owner’s child! This does not turn out good, however the cat did recover and sees everything crooked!

Never say near a kid “That woman’s ass looks like it swallowed a small child!”. Because that woman might be the mom!

Large women at the mall walking elbow and elbow at a snail’s pace do not like it when you go “Moooooo-ve!”

When standing in line and a kid runs into you full force then falls back, it is not appropriate to crack up laughing at him when he starts crying. His mom may be standing at the entrance looking at you!

Along those same lines it is not good to laugh at a kid who decides to belly surf on a skateboard down a aisle at walmart plowing headfirst into a massive display knocking it over! The mother will scold you and remind you he could have been hurt. Also on a side note not good to reply back “Yes would not want your tax credit!”

When working at a grocery store it is not funny to tell a co-worker’s son it would be funny to toss random things in her grocery cart. She will end up with 31 whole chickens somehow.

“street people” do not like it when you walk up to them with job applications from McDonalds and walmart while they stand there with a sign that says “Will work for food!”

Never tell a woman with low self esteem issues you think Lady Gaga is hotter than her and she is only pissed because gaga is comfortable with who she is and flaunts it. This will inadvertently trigger the woman to post pictures of herself in a bikini and other assorted skimpy apparel, pissing off her newlywed husband!

Never let your BiSexual girlfriend find the sexting messages from other females, because one of two things will happen. She either freaks out and you are forced to replace the broken phone or you are forced replace the “missing” phone!

It is not socially appropriate when a man flirts with you by singing “What would you do for a Klondike bar?!” to reply ” I would kill someone!”. This makes him walk away very quickly.

When you are married never let your wife who has “jealousy issues” see you joking with a good looking woman at an all you can eat Chinese buffet. This may inadvertently trigger in your wife the need to threaten to stab the aforementioned woman in the head with a shrimp fork!

When your checking out at a grocery NEVER chastised the bagger for 5 minutes for dropping a can of cat food while bagging your purchases, because he is about to bag your eggs!”

When you are warned not to pick up your friend’s cat because she has “stranger issues” it is not appropriate to scream “HOLY MOTHER FUCKER!” when the cat gives you a new nipple piercing.

When you have just spent the last 15 minutes rooting around your ass crack to the point of looking like you are trying to work yourself like a puppet, it is not acceptable to jam your hand into a co-workers bag of popcorn and then ask “Can I have some?”

Never say in front of a impressionable boy “That woman’s shirt looked like two Jello molds having a cage match when she was walking!”, because parrot boy will be talking to his mom later that day about what he did today!

Maybe later I will remember more lessons I have learned about! Lol


Posted on June 7, 2011, in humor, life, stupid people and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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